As my first semester being a grad student is beginning to wind down, I’m getting mixed feelings about my experiences since being here. On one hand, I’ve really enjoyed “being a grad student” and learning, and academia in general. Being out of school for two years, I didn’t realize what a big chunk of my life that was when it ended. I also like having a studio, and a private place to call my own… to go away and research, make, and just daydream.
But on the other hand, I’m finding it difficult and stressful when confronted with certain questions I ask myself. Like “what am I doing here?” and “what do I want to talk about?” I keep floundering when talking about my work it seems. I don’t really know what I want to “make” or “do” or what kind of things I want to say in my art. It’s disheartening at times, though I assume (hope) it’s a normal feeling most people have. However, I am happy with the work that I’m making, or “how” I’m making and the results. I’m sort of just working intuitively, even if I don’t understand what or why yet.
One thing I do have positive feelings about, and will miss, is the Introduction to Graduate Studies seminar. On the first day of class, I was not “so” nervous, but I definitely didn’t know anybody, and it felt weird eating with a bunch of strangers… even if we were all in the same boat together. But after that first class ended, I got the sense that my feelings toward the class were going to change quickly.
The Chicago Expo trip was definitely the ice breaker I needed. I partnered up with a group, and together we got to talk and really get to know each other. I also really enjoyed the Korean BBQ dinner. I was skeptical at first, but it was well, well worth the drive. It was my first experience eating that style of food, and it absolutely left a good taste in my mouth for sure.
I’ll miss the faculty presentations too, and the Q&A sessions that followed. Without those presentations, it can be so difficult getting to know faculty members without having taken a class with them. I know in my undergrad, though we had a much smaller number of faculty, there were many I definitely had to go out of my way in order to establish any kind of connection with. The presentations opened up a door for a conversation to be had with the students and faculty later down the road, and gave me some insight on to who would be best served on my MFA or MA committee as well. Some faculty members who stood out the most to me were: Doug, Helen, Emily, Fred, Meg, Faisal, and Tomiko.
And of course I’ll miss dinner! I was always starving when 5:00 p.m. came around. I love talking about food, sharing recipes, and eating – obviously. And it was always exciting to see how everyone would imagine dinner.
Though I didn’t find the readings that enjoyable or helpful compared to other readings this semester, it was a nice entrance point to start dialogue with the class as a whole. The small-table discussions, and larger group discussions, were a great way to get to know people and see their way of thinking, or ways of interpreting the readings.
Finally, after it’s all said and over with, I’m happy I came here. I’m glad to have taken steps to advance myself professionally, and to have taken a risk. I was pretty comfortable with my previous position back at home. I made decent money. I was working in the arts, for a non-profit… it could’ve been a career. But I don’t think I would’ve ever fully been satisfied or content, unfortunately, no matter how skewed or wrong that perception may be. I’ve always imagined myself getting an MFA and now, here I am, in the thick of it, barely capable of staying afloat some days.
Tschüss!
Compelled to Make 